I don't want to be a mother today

I am a mom of twins.  And I am tired.

I want to drink wine. Bottle after bottle.  May be that will keep me sane.  It has been about 2 months of handling my 1-year old twins all on my own and I'm losing it.  My twins turned 15 months old last week.  I never knew motherhood was so demanding, exhausting, and challenging.  I never knew raising a child -- especially twins -- was so difficult.  I keep telling myself "that person with twins AND a toddler does it, the person I met at the park has triplets, that person I watched on video has quadruplets, imagine how much more difficult it might be for them...if they can do it, I can do it!"  But just telling myself that isn't working.  I don't understand if it keeps getting better or worse.  Each month, each week, each day is a new test of my patience, my tolerance, my mothering, and a test of my love.  And I feel like I fail every day.  I'm not trying to be a perfect mother.  There is no perfect mother.  But I feel like I was not even cutout to become a mother.  I am tired of being a mother.  I am really tired.

Feeding them is my least favorite time of the day.  They are so fussy.  It takes so much persuasion to make them try a new food.  Most of it goes on the floor.  All the love that I cook their food with and all my efforts go on the floor at each meal multiplied by three meals a day.  On top of that, all the time I spend in cooking and spoon-feeding and coaxing and delaying my own meals so many times.  I used to have my lunch at noon before I had kids.  Now I am lucky if I get to eat by 3pm once I'm done feeding and cleaning and putting them for their afternoon nap.  Some days I even have to skip my lunch just to cater to their needs.  On top of that, if they don't eat when it's time to eat and then get hungry later when it's time for me to do something else, they get cranky.  If they skip their nap even after I try putting them to sleep, they get cranky.  It's not even fair.  They don't eat, they don't sleep, and I'm the one who should suffer?  Keshav cries before going to sleep, Alisha cries after waking up from sleep.  Keshav cries when he does not get his food on time, Alisha cries whenever I give her any food at any time.  Keshav cries when I don't give him the phone, Alisha cries when I don't let her come out of her play area.  My ears are tired of listening to their cries.  I want to wear noise cancellation headphones so I can just tune out their unnecessary, constantly loud cries.  I am very tired.

They want to walk all around the house and open all the cabinets and drawers and pull everything out and make a mess.  I am tired putting everything back in place.  Do I have to live without furniture and with empty cabinets so it can save me time and peace of mind?  And no, I do not want to put those cabinet locks and door locks each and every where, making it more inconvenient for me.  They don't even understand what NO means.  Anything I say, explain, and request them to not do is like talking to the walls.  Why do they challenge every ounce of patience I have?  I did not know motherhood came with all of this.  I also did not know I would have to be smelling, touching, and seeing so much poop, and then also getting worried if they don't poop enough.  I did not know that because of all the cleaning up and washing my hands so often, my manicure will not last for more than 2 days.  I did not know that once I begin to understand and adapt to their behavior one week, the next week will still be full of surprises.  I did not know I could actually be so tired.

I don't think I have remembered God so much my entire life as much as I have done since they were born.  "Oh God, she spit up on my clothes.  Oh God, they puked on the carpet.  Oh God, he pooped on my white capri.  Oh God, their diaper leaked.  Oh God, their clothes are stained. Oh God, they are not eating again.  Oh God, they threw so much food on the floor.  Oh God, they removed all their clothes from the drawers.  Oh God, what did they put in their mouth?  Oh God, I have so much cleaning to do."  Dear God, what were you thinking when you gave me twins?  Dear God, I am unbelievably tired.

I had so much freedom, so much time, so much energy, and so much to do before I had them.  Now I get time to do what I want to do only when they are asleep.  I regret wasting so much time in my life not doing everything I could have before having kids.  My life is not my life anymore.  I don't want to lose myself.  I still want to do things that I love.  I still want my 'me time'.  I want a break.  For one day, I don't want any kind of stress.  I want to go for a massage, a spa, a pedicure; I want to get pampered.  When will it be my turn to feel pampered?  I don't even have time for that.  After they grow up a little more, next stress will be to find them the right school.  After that, next worries will be for their homework and grades.  Then, to enroll them in various activities so they don't get left behind, and then to pick and drop them.  After that, it will be all about finding a good college.  And then, they will go stay on their own and find themselves a job and get busy with their life and perhaps come visit me once in a while.  Is this what I'm working so hard for them for?  What do parents get by loving and investing so much for children who will leave them and go away?  I am so tired.

I'm a mom of twins.  And today, I am truly very tired.  It is Mother's Day today.  And for one day, just one day - I don't want to be a mother today.  Just for today.  Tomorrow I want to come back and hug my kids and be their mother again and continue doing all my motherly duties again.  But just for today, I want to forget I am a mom.  I don't want to worry about cooking their food, about feeding them, about changing their diaper, about giving them a bath, about cleaning them and their stuff, about picking up all their toys, about organizing their drawers, about anything that's about them.

And for one day, just one day - I don't want to be a mother today.

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